When The Authoress Fails
by chillykitty101
Summary: Hilarity Ensues. I.. I wanted to try crack. Various Pairings
1. The Singing Mermaid

**The Singing Mermaid**

* * *

><p>Victoria sighed, looking around her grotto.<p>

_"Look at this stuff.. isn't it neat?"_ She asked, turning to her best friend, the fish Alfred.

"Yup!" Alfred nodded.

**"TOO BAD!"** Victoria screamed, scaring the seven seas out of poor Alfred.

"I WANT MORE!~" Victoria swam up to the top of the cave.

Alfred wheezed, eyes still wide, before tentively joining her.

"I wanna know what those people know..." Victoria whispered, before turning on Alfred.

"Why?" She asked violently, shaking Alfred around.

"Dunno! Golly, woman, are you on your period or something!" Alfred screeched.

"YES, I AM! NOW SHUT IT!" The mermaid screamed.

And Alfred did.

Suddenly, an octupus appeared, Arthur, really.

"I can grant your wish!" Arthur said dramatically.

_"WRONG SCENE!"_ Alfred facepalmed.

Victoria ignored him, swimming up to Arthur.

"Really! How!" She said eagerly.

"Give me your voice so I can steal you to make you my servant when you fail to get your guy!" Arthur said.

"Okay!" Victoria agreed, " _**MARUKAITE CHIKYUU! MARUKAITE CHIKYUU! MARUKAITE CHIKYUU, WATASHI SEYCHELLES**_!" She burst out in song.

"Yes!" Arthur cackled madly, "Yes! Now, go and fail!" He hollared, making a 'shoo' motion with his hand.

Victoria suddenly had legs, and she swum to the surface.

"I'M FREE!" she gasped as she broke the surface.

"Eh?" Victoria turned to see a prince, a pretty cute one too, standing on the shore.

"Hi!" Victoria waded to him, but he turned red and looked away. The girl was confused until she looked down. She was naked.

**_"!"_**

* * *

><p>When they had gotten some clothes for Victoria, they were idly chatting at Matthew's, that's the prince, by the way, castle.<p>

"I once saved a guy, did you know?" Victoria said excitedly.

"Really? I once was saved by a girl. She sang to me too. I fell in love with her." Matthew said dreamily.

Victoria smiled and sang, _"You make me, feel like I'm living a teen-age dream, the way you turn me on~"_

The prince gaped, "You're her! That's the exact song too!"

Victoria smiled brightly, "Wanna get hitched?" She asked.

**"HECK YES!"** Matthew replied, gasping dramatically, jumping into her arms.

Alfred appeared, a amused look on his face.

"And so, they lived happily ever after. _HAH_! ARTIE LOSES!~~~" He concluded happily.

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"** Was the distant scream of Arthur Kirkland, the _LOSER._ Sorry Artie, maybe next time.. HEE. :)

* * *

><p><strong>I.. I have nothing against Iggy, I swear. Don't kill me. I wanted to make some crack... I'm good at it, appearently.<strong>


	2. Beauty And The Albino

**B**eauty And The Albino

* * *

><p>Elizaveta ran through the busy streets of where ever this took place, her nose buried in a book.<p>

"Hehehehhh..." Elizaveta's face turned a satisfied shade of red, "My favorite par-"

"Miss Elizaveta." A voice said.

Said woman looked up, mildly annoyed.

"What, Roderich?" She asked.

"I was wondering, are you going to take up my offer of marrige yet?" Roderich asked.

"No." Her answered was blunt.

"Miss Eliza-"

Elizaveta was gone down the street, in the direction of the creepy castle.

"_ELIZAVETA! _THERE ARE OTHER SCENES FIRST!" Roderich hollared in vain, as Elizaveta ignored him, giggling madly at her book.

* * *

><p>When our heroine reached the castle, she gasped.<p>

"What a creepy castle! I **MUST **go in!" And in she went.

_"BONJOUR LADY!"_ The candlestick greeted, swinging down to her.

"_Ah! _Talking Candle! Let's be friends, I'm Elizaveta!" The girl bent down to him.

"Honhonhon! Nice to me-GAK" The candle rubbed his head painfully.

_"SODDING GIT!" _The clock behind him fumed..

"Arthur~ Heheh..." The candle smiled nervously.

"Hello girl, I'm Arthur. This git is Francis." The clock, now Arthur, said flatly.

**"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MY AWESOMENESS IS GOING ON, YO?"** A thunderous voice thundered about the hall.

"Um... HI! I'm Elizaveta!" Our heroine called back.

A man appeared, he was absolutely hansome! An... **ALBINO!~**

Elizaveta had small hearts popping around her until the man spoke.

"Wow, is she ooglin' in my awesomeness already?" The albino whispered to Arthur, who groaned and facepalmed.

"_Guten Tag. _I'm The Awesome Highness of Awesome. You can call me Gilbert, _ja?" _Albino said.

"Hi Gilbert." the girl said dreamily.

"Guess what!" Gilbert said suddenly.

"Huh?" Elizaverta asked.

"If I don't get a girl, I'm going to be dead in like, 2 hours... or was it months? Years? Minutes? I don't know." Gilbert groaned grumpily.

_"Wha-?" _Elizaveta backed up, horrified. Then she conposed herself, saying, "Don't Worry! I'll find you a girl!"

Gilbert raised an eyebrow. "You're a girl." He said rather obviously.

"..."

"..."

_"..."_

"What? I speak truth! Unless those bonkers are fake-_OW!"_

Elizaveta stood above Gilbert, red faced, holding a frying pan.

"PERV!" She screamed. "I'LL _TOTALLY _BE YOUR GIRL!

Gilbert got up, _"AWESOME!"_ And they kissed and Gilbert was still an albino.

They both shrugged, "Oh well, I like this way.. pretty sexy." Elizaveta commented nonchalantly.

Alfred appeared yet again, holding Francis and Arthur.

"And these two lived happily too... uh.. not Franny and Artie, The _OTHER_ two." He added the last part when Francis and Arthur started whacking each other.

_"HEY! GUYS! CUT IT OUT!"  
><em>**  
>"SODDING WANKER!"<strong>

"HONHONHONHONHNOHON~"

Mistress Author, or Chiara, appeared, sweatdropping.

"Bye Everyone!"

* * *

><p><strong>I loved this part. Why? The OOCness, of course. It's overwhelming. I swear. Yes, Alfred did mean Arthur and Francis when he said they lived happily. Remember the "Next Time, Artie" in the last chapter? hehehee... <strong>

**P. S. Chiara's not actually my name. I wish it was.  
>P. P. S. Review :D<strong>


	3. Beladdin

_**Beladdin**_

* * *

><p>Our Hero, Alfred Jones, was running away from the people like a girl.<p>

"Go away street rat!" They called.

Alfred turned around and stuck his tounge out at them.

"Bleeeh!" He teased, then continued running, running into a girl with a hood.

"Hi! I'm Alfred!" Alfred waved to the girl, who turned away, hid a giggle, and turned back.

"I'm Natalia." She said cooly.

"Natalia!" A new guy strutted forward, two henchmen by his side.

"Your dad doesn't want you hanging around these guys!" The man said and drug Natalia away, until she pulled a knife on him.

_"I'm. Staying. Here."_ Natalia said calmly, pressing the knife to his neck.

Alfred sweatdropped, "Um, Natalia? That's not in the script..." He lifted and looked at a pack of stapled paper.

Natalia got up and walked behind him, muttered something along the lines of "Don't Care."

The dude got up, and said, "Young lady, your father will hear of this."

"Go away, Franny, we're wingin' it, bro." Alfred commented, dragging Natalia away to a carpet.

"Let's go flying!" He exclaimed.

Natalia nodded, "Okay, stranger, let's go."

And so they went. Flying around on their carpet...

"What, what, what is going on?" A random Polish man(?) popped up on their carpet.

"GENIE!" Alfred shouted happily.

"You ain't like, never gonna have a friend like me, totally." With that said, Genie disappeared.

Suddenly, Francis captured Natalia, Genie's lamp in hand.

"GENIE!" Francis called loudly, "I wish to be powerful!"

Genie appeared, annoyed look on his(?) face.

"Like, no, man. Seriously, the name's Feliks. Like, get it right!... A wish? Totally. Like, you're now totally powerful." Feliks waved his hand.

Alfred gasped dramatically.

Francis frowned, "I don't feel any different."

"Like, that's because you're not a genie, like me. Totes, we're the like, most powerful being ever. Totally." Feliks spoke.

"Fine! I wish to be a... GENIE!" Francis said, doing a weird motion, causing Natalia to fall out of his arms.

"JERK!" She screamed, falling, until Alfred safely caught her.

Feliks laughed histerically, before granting his wish.

Then, Alfred took a convientantly placed floor lamp, holding it up.

"Hah! Got ya now! RETURN TO YOUR LAMP FRANNY!" He shouted.

**"NooooOOoo!"** Francis spun away into the lamp before, "It's _cramped_ in here!"

Arthur appeared, smiling for once.

"That sodding frog got his but whooped, and they lived happily ever after."

* * *

><p>Chiara sat in the director's chair, before facepalming.<p>

"They never even left the marketplace scenery..." She muttered.

* * *

><p><strong>:D Beladdin! I know.. I fail so bad.<strong>


	4. Sleeping Tomate

_**Sleeping Tomate**_

* * *

><p><em>There Once was a princess... er... prince, sorry, that pricked his hand on a pinwheel. Or something. Whatever. Anyway, he fell asleep for like, a long long long long long time. Until yours truly, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, saved him by... RUBBING TOMATES ON HIS CHEEKS!<em>

"CUT!" Chiara screamed, hitting Antonio on the head with a book.

"You're not doing it right, Tonio!" She scolded, frowning.

"Estoy muy de veras, Ms Autor.." Antonio muttered, rubbing his head.

"YOU ARE SO NOT RUBBING TOMATOES ON ME YOU JERK!" Our princess, Lovino, screeched, pouncing on Antonio.

Chiara facepalmed.

"RESTART!" She called to the crew.

* * *

><p><em><strong>"Once,<strong> _in a far away castle, a prince was born. They named him Lovino. But, the sorcerer Francis burst in, and put the whole castle to sleep... or something. Meanwhile, Arthur Kirkland scowled.

"I could do better that in my sleep." He said blantly to Francis, who pouted.

"Shut up, Artie. AAANYWAY~ So, Lovino and everyone in the castle fell asleep, Lovino in a especially girly pose. He was lieing on the bed, practically looking like, "Kiss Me!". It was pathetic. Pssh.

"Some.. uh.. few years from then, Antoniom our hero who is totally not the hero hero, met Lovino's fairy friends, Toris, Ravis, and Eduard. They gave him crap and told him to go defeat Francis cause they were to chicken. Then they said if he did, he would win the prince's heart. Fat Chance.

"Antonio agreed happily, and off he went. When he came upon the castle, he started hacking weeds down with a magic sword. Then he got tired and took a siesta. In. The. Thorns. What. A. Stupid. Idea.

"Francis found him, and changed into _THE MOST BEAUITUL DRAGON EVA!~,_ and started breathing on Antonio.

"Antonio, who was mildly annoyed at his siesta being interupped, blocked Francis's breath with his shield, and tangoed the poor_ MOST BEAUTIFUL DRAGON EVA~_ to death. He then proceeded to go into the castle, oogle at all the frozen women, and go up Lovino's tower.

"When he saw Lovino, he went up and pinched his cheeks, squealing. Lovino started to strangle him and yelled curses left and right. The castle became alive again, and they lived happily ever- BLARGKKFJH!"

* * *

><p>"JERK!" Lovino howled, done from head butting the narrator, Alfred, to the ground.<p>

"Lovi~ Let me kiss you~ IT's the script~" Antonio said, coming towards him.

"HECK NO JERK! CHIGIII~~!" Lovino shouted, hiding behind Chiara, who just sighed.

"Bye Everyone. Lovino, go take a bow." She calmed ordered.

Lovino grumpily did as he was told, Antonio enthusiascally joining him. Alfred managed to get up and take his own half bow, before fainting.

Arthur picked him up, "What a stupid moron." He muttered.

_You know you love 'im, _Chiara thought slyly, smirking.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked :D<strong>

**Review, and you get a chibi Lovino.**

**ChibiLovi: No YOU Don't!**


End file.
